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  • My phone vibrates, as I pull it from my pocket I expect an alert to be displayed that tells me I have been invited to a meeting. I open my email, "depooping" appears in the subject line. In the body of the email three words, "reminder for tonight." It's from my wife.

    Driving home I become at peace with what is about to happen. It's a nice night and I might as well spend it outside.

    I fill the tractor with gas and hook up, what I lovingly call the Shit-Vac 2000, which is a contraption that has a motor attached to a big plastic bin that sits atop some wheels. A long hose extends from the front of the unit and an air exhaust is attached to one side. I jump on the tractor and head for the paddock.

    My wife opens the gate to the paddock, "Want some, the gnats are bad," she says holding a bottle of bug repellent. "How bad could they be?" I think to myself as I shake my head letting her know that I won't be needing any of that gnat repellent goop.

    I jump off the tractor and by jump I mean reluctantly crawl off. I grab the hose as I scan the paddock, "Be vewy vewy quiet, I'm hunting poop." I say to myself in my best Elmer Fudd voice.

    My wife drives the tractor to the first pile, wielding the hose I take out the first pile, then the second, then the third. The horses follow behind the Shit-Vac 2000 letting the air blow through their manes as if they're prepping for a fashion photo shoot.

    We quickly reach our limit and drive to the top of the hill to release our bounty from the Shit-Vac 2000. We go back for more. After hunting for hours the paddock is void of the creatures known as... poop.

    We're safe for two more days.
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