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  • I could barely keep my eyes open from the lack of sleep I'd experienced over the previous night. However, despite the internal dizziness, I had a buzz the likes of which I'd never known. I laid there in the hospital bed just me and my boy. He was tiny. Magnificent. Precious. Tear jerking. And most of all so vulnerable. I held him there minutes after he entered into this reality with that scrunched up, contorted face. He wiggled and moved excitedly inside my two hands. He was beautiful ... just exactly perfect ... my own little, personal sunrise in the vastness of space and time.

    Today, Tashi turned five. He starts kindergarten in the fall. He has spent the majority of the past five years living with his mom, his half brother, and step dad in Oklahoma. I called him. We can actually have conversations on the phone now. He can carry his end. "Hi daddy. It's my birthday. I got a remote control bug that walks on its own...."

    I want to grab him. Shake him. Eat him up. I want to scream at the top of my lungs. I want to tell him he's my rock. My reason. I answer calmly, in measured tones. Tell him I love him. Tell him I can't wait to play with the electronic bug the next time we see each other. We hang up as tears dangle from the curves of my cheek. I love you, Tashi. Happy birthday!
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