If you've never heard of it 'Spoon Theory' is an analogy of what it's like to live with an illness, explained by a Lupus sufferer.
Today I had no spoons and it feels like a tipping point for me. I've been feeling sick since Christmas, just tired really, and run down. Diagnosed with anaemia and a possible thyroid deficiency it seemed an easy thing to fix one, and deal with the other in time, but the fix isn't working, something still isn't working.
I realised I had to take on less. I keep saying no to projects and opportunities and not dealing with things, trying to place my spoons where they most matter so I let the least amount of people down. And that's not really working either. It's just making me miserable. And always there is a clamour for my attention.
And all the time these past weeks it has rained. Rained, and rained and rained. And it feels like the rain has mirrored something inside of me. Something that wants to flow but that can't.
And not once during that time have I found time to stop and smell the flowers. My name means flower. Heavenly Flower. I wilt in the sun, get bent down by the rain. Blown sideways by passing winds. I'm fragile but there's a strong sap somewhere in the roots that fuels and restores me. I just need the right amount of everything for balance so I can grow back.
Today, as I say, was a tipping point when I ran out of energy spoons. But it was a tipping point in my attitude too. What I'm doing isn't working. I've become too blocked, too isolated by my energy levels. I don't feel like me anymore. What's happened to me? Where did I go to?
It's time to reach down deeper, find the stuff I'm made of and bring it to blossom. I was born in Sheffield. We make spoons there!