Past several weeks I have seen old patterns of acting out self-destructive behaviors. For years I acted out obsessive compulsive needs for love and approval.
I had a nightmarish dream early this morning and after reading hawkeye
I sprouted his "lingering dream " into my "unusual patterns".
It poured out of me as soon as I awoke and I put it down on paper without pause and totally expository. I've edited it for purposes of presenting it here. .
I'm on a tower and gather from bits and pieces of people's stories that its collapsing around us but never see the debris from the tower. One of the stories is from "suits" who manage the tower, blaming each other for the collapse, and the "owner" of the tower, wondering where is his next "free lunch"!
I am in another image alone on the tower, hiding, holding a stack of index cards (or maybe on a rolodex) cataloging by numbers, sorted neatly by day and time, who's dying. I'm clinging to these cards because when its over I will publish this and be famous for exposing "the truth" - I'm in denial that I'm dying along with everybody else. I leave the stack behind! Screw the cards!
There are also my pet cats running frantically through the tower and I'm unable to do anything for creatures that need my protection.
The tower appears to have staircases going up or down - you never wind up where you think you are going. In one dream image, I believe I'm home free, rooted on the ground, and the next I'm back on the tower. The ground is the only time I actually see the tower from a distance.
This entire dream repeats unceasingly patterns of my need to survive at any cost. Its not an easy dream, confronting my selfishness and isolation in the world.