II have what most people consider to be a strange job, an easy job, in some cases some even think I shouldn’t use my ‘gift’ as a conventional way to work at all. Some people think people like me just make it up and con people for laughs, and I guess some people do. Many people ask me what it’s like to be a Psychic, especially since I’ve been reading for people officially. I never know how to answer them. How truthful to be. I know they think they really want the truth but I also know that the real answer would somewhat disappoint or upset them as it goes a lot deeper than people realise.
It is a hard and complex question to answer, even just within the confines of my own head never mind trying to find a way of verbalising all that it encompasses. I try to keep my ‘real’ life and working life separate, but as you can imagine, it was a damn sight easier to clock off when I worked in a shop. A recent experience that was fleeting but conveys the more ‘real’ side of my clairsentient ability or ‘gift’ shows what kinds of things I experience on a daily basis.
I was in my usual spot for thinking, in the McDonalds drive through car park in the middle of a retail park, opposite the gigantic pet shop. My ultimate pass time is people watching and since owning my first ever car (Buddy) we both enjoy this vantage point on a regular occasion whilst drinking molten latte.
Often, people will wander by, laden down with shopping or a box containing a new or old beloved pet. Quite often dogs are happily dragging their humans haphazardly across the car park in the exciting quest for new toys and treats.
This particular morning a very handsome Doberman in shades of coffee and homemade gingerbread wandered past us with his steadfast person, but somehow they were magnified in my head.
Without thinking, I felt.
This was their last walk together.
They both knew.
There was nothing about their behaviour that gave anything away. No tears, no conversation. No outward signals, they were just walking to the pet shop, like hundreds of others had that week. But I knew.
I have no idea how I do this, but sometimes I feel others feelings and thoughts, others experience, others things that I have yet to find words for. Is this a Gift? I struggle to call it this at times.
I looked away to give them their privacy and tried to ‘tune out’ as I felt like I was invading. Above all else I respect every souls right to choose who knows their private thoughts, but I can’t always switch it off. I hate that. I could feel tears coming as the deepness of what was happening 12 feet away from me over took.
I started my engine and attempted to reverse away but faltered as suddenly the man quietly knelt beside the dog and held him. Just for a second. They then slowly continued on their way.
I had to stop. The tears were thick and fast and overwhelmed me. I could feel years of love, years of play, of experiences, trust, fun, changes and so many other unique and deeply emotional things that I cannot describe. I felt the deepest roots of loss and ‘sorry’ coming from them both. Of a relationship that had held them both together and that neither of them were ready to lose. I 'felt' these things all at once, mixed together and blended into one, with no conscious words. This phenomenon is so hard to explain, and so very deeply touching.
I couldn't leave. I waited, helpless. After a long time the man came back out alone. He slowly walked back past me, oblivious to the fact I was even there, silent tears falling, silent pain washing over him.
I haven’t cried so deeply for a long time so the love and pain between these two souls must have been very deep. It was all I could do to stay in the car and not approach the man to try and console him in some way. An overwhelming instinct to try and ease another’s pain. But what could I say to him? How could I explain how I even knew or why I cared? And I knew he wouldn’t want or appreciate my interference.
I sent him all the healing energy I could and when I finally pulled it together enough to go home, I sat with my dogs and cried some more.
I don’t know if I have portrayed this very well. Even as I write I am again choked. I just wanted people to understand a little about the realities of being ‘psychic’ as a life not just as a job. I don’t share these experiences with anyone and try as hard as I can to keep these things from interfering with how I interact with people in my normal everyday life. Sometimes I can help people with this ‘ability’, for instance if they have approached me knowing I’m a psychic and have specifically asked me for help or guidance, but more often than not, I know things, big or small, and can’t do anything about it at all, and with no one to even talk it through with, it can be a very lonely and emotionally draining ‘gift’ sometimes. Often when people first find out I am bombarded with ‘what can you see around me?’ ‘What do you know?’ and then when they really start to understand it, they draw away as it frightens them to think I might know too much. Both extremes are hard to deal with and can leave you in the middle of nowhere, as a person underneath all the wonder and fear projections.
… I will always have this ability and I will always strive to help all that need help, but sometimes I wish someone could see everything I am, and accept both and none, for underneath it all, I’m still just the same as you.