REALITY is: many days I am busy. I am busy organizing and announcing very interestings conferences and Encounter Groups in cyberspace and real reality, I mean I spend hours communicating through Whattsapp, FB - Messenger and - all the time less - Hotmail and then meet many hours a week with people in real space, sitting in real rooms on real chairs, where sometimes we get to silence and sometimes share real tears or laughter.
When things get very agitated it has a kind of druglike - caffeine - effect on me: I get a bit high, I feel a bit important, I believe my life matters! When it goes over the edge, I mean activity, I can fall into a Depression.
During a very busy week I observe my mind saying: now just this, these patients, that project and then I give myself a quiet day home. It is Spring, for God´s sake, and the garden is supergorgeous!
I had such a dau yesterday. And did I enjoy it? The calm? The quiet? Did I manage to NOT checvk the stupid cellphone for one single day?
I DID NOT! I even take it with me to the toilet, imagine, to entertain myself!
I hate it, I hate myself. I might be doing a lot of nice little good things in my miniature world, but, and especially after reading Geoff Dutton this morning: I am defenitely LOSING SOMETHING IMPORTANT also!
So, I tell myself: One day: just sit, yes, exactly as you sit in meditattion, Kikilein, sit and breathe and look at all the beauty that your poor tunnelvision still is able to focus on! Do NOTHING!
On Saturdays, with others and calling it MEDITATION I do manage this quite well, but sitting at home on a Thursday I get bored, I feel I am useless, I perceive: Looking and watching Nature I do see beauty, but also cruelty. No visit to Disneyland!
I perceive: Looking into Nature, just in my gorgeous, but little garden, I am constantly throwing a question out there and never hearing an answer. Pure EMPTINESS glares back at me. Something inside me wants to break.
So: I fel I need to pee and am enlightened to be able to get up from my chair and I tell myself: THIS time I am NOT taking that f....ng cellphone with me and then this happens: my hand grabs that horrid object and it already checking for messages while my legs are still on their way to the toilet - destiny!
Reality seems to be a BLACK HOLE and my iPhone pretends to be the medicine against the fear that black hole incites in my heart and soul....
Art by Kiki