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  • i will tell you this: i love you. I have always loved you. Before we even met. You were there. In my childhood. Like the soft clasping of the wind at night. Like the humming of the radio in the morning. Like the scent of coffee. And eggs. And toast. You see. I knew you even before you assumed this face. Before I could trace my hands over the curve of your neck. You were the purple veins on that leaf. You were calling me. Like those crows on that burning tree. The bottlebrush tree.

    i love you. even when you betrayed me. like my mother. at the airport. in Saigon. Now you. on that island in the Baltic sea. i searched for you all these years only to be stranded beneath a linden tree. my eyeglasses. broken. fumbling though a sea of grass. hallucinating. Cloud-gods. Serpent-rainbows.

    Oh how I hated you. Oh how i needed you.

    And yet without you. The stone crust that was my heart. Walls and Thorns. You drilled yourself. So deep. Inside the nautilus of my dreams. How could I ever forget you?

    Of course: step by step you walked me into the Dark. A room of writhing shadows. Ahh. Here we are again. In the grave that is Berghain. Buried and blind. pressed into your flesh. Such a concoction. Such witchcraft.

    you put a spell on me.

    fuck me, you said, choke me, you said, such a wicked game, pleasure and pain, the orgasm of death...

    but i refused. . .is that why? why you left?

    Unlikely, but it lingers, like a scent of cigarette on our clothes, by the end of the night, how many men did we fuck, together, apart,

    what strange coupling, to stagger home, at dawn, comrades, arms in arms, with the scent of other men, and yet such sweetness in your velvety bed, kiss me, you said, i love you, you said, those words, kept me aloft, like that stork i saw on the train to Poland, like those kites we saw at Templehof, colorful dragons and moths, floating amid the sea-salt clouds

    oh how i miss you, this stillborn thaw, inside my shell, i am pecking, a peekaboo of light, not yet birthed, waiting for you...
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