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  • I woke again last night, or this morning. Almost exactly 2am again and again every morning for a week. Is it a sign? What is the significance of this time? I wake with fleeting thoughts, ridiculous thoughts, thoughts that I shouldn’t have.

    If I became pregnant with your child, would you stay? Would you support me and your child? Again and again I try to imagine what I would do if I knew there was a smaller version of you and I growing inside me. Now I know that I would never be able to give a child up, to kill something living, something that is supposed to happen. I believe it must be some sort of sign that it is meant to be. If I became pregnant even though I use contraception, then it must be some sort of fate.

    It makes me sad and happy. Even now I can picture a child. Small and soft in my arms with tiny fingers and toes and an abundance of dark curly hair, just like yours. I kiss the idea of my baby and my dream yawns sleepily, gripping my finger and sleeping on and on until I wake myself with tears already coming.

    Even now I believe that I for some reason will never have a baby. I just want to know that it is in the cards for me. I want to be happy. I want you. I want this baby to one day crawl out of my dreams and become part of my reality.
    I know it won’t happen yet. Not yet at least.
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