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  • Some people say that a good drink can accomplish many things. Some go on to claim that a drink, if made properly, served just right, tilted into your frosted cup just right, can enable anyone to do whatever it is that they set out to do. I must object to this proposal on the grounds of scientific experimentation.

    First, let me explain myself.

    For many years during my childhood, I looked at the world of business and money with an air of disdain. I could not explain why people wore dark black suits on hot summer days, why some women walked around with half of their feet on the ground and the rest three inches off the ground, or perhaps most of all, why they obsessed over a brown liquid being poured into their silver mugs and paper cups. Was this the silver bullet I learned about? The cure to all of humanities aliments found at last? I soon learned that this was not the case, after many dollars (and state quarters were spent.

    My childhood consisted of a different brown liquid, that magical mix of health and candy, chocolate milk. Ah, the joy of starting the day with a glass of chocolate milk can not be matched, and I credit this daily regiment with the fact that I have never broken a bone. (Or perhaps this was because I avoided football...) Nonetheless, I had survived without coffee for years.

    I avoided the lure of coffee, gateway drug to mochas, iced lattes, and other notoriously expensive brews until the very last year of high school. I soon found that the taste of the drink increased exponentially with the expense. This was far from ideal.

    Now in college, I am well aware of the productivity boost coffee claims to have. Oh caffeine, swimming through my veins, how you give me the greatest joy but the fastest heart rate. I can only compare it to having weights added to your already heavy eyelids, but furthermore, having these overburdened shutters proper up with metal stilts.

    Ah, that's right, I was going to talk to you about science. While I do not claim to be entirely mathematical with my efforts, I still feel justified in presenting my findings. Coffee trips, joyful strolls down smoke filled and dimeless streets, are to me the ultimate distraction. I have discovered this year that I am too easily distracted by the world, hurting my focus on things that held my interest only moments ago. Something about being at the coffee house, drinking something truly wonderful, embracing the moment of sheer sublimity, is akin to taking away my mountaineering gear at the bottom of the mountain.

    So today, I present to you the culprit of current interloper: The Bronze Cannon

    The Bronze Cannon is the name that I have given a hazelnut ice mocha. I suggest playing a game of chicken with yourself and drinking it on a chilly spring day when you have work to do.

    May my papers stay out of range of the Bronze Cannon today.
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