I hate confrontation. I hate having to "deal" with things that shouldn't have to be "dealt" with.
But part of being an adult is doing the above. I'm told that I actually manage to handle situations which require tact and common sense really well.
Probably because most of my life I have found it necessary to always second-guess myself, always worry that whatever I say will (not can) be misconstrued, and that when I am right I am wrong I have learned to weigh everything thoroughly before speaking or acting. As I got older, I simply just kept my mouth shut and tried to avoid conflict simply by being agreeable. Generally, I knew that I was always going to be disappointed and let down anyway, so why bother.
Of course, once I was out on my own and responsible for myself I wasn't exactly prepared for having to "deal" with things that need to be "dealt" with. Whenever I was faced with dealing with something, no matter how minor, I always run through the possible (or, more likely, the worst-case-scenario possibilities). I can't tell you how many times the nights before having to go to the bank and straighten out a glitch that I have ended up in jail because no one would listen to me or I have ended up on the street with nothing after a problem with a landlord.... all in my head. Invariably, the meeting with the bank manager or the landlord has been a simple problem to solve. Well, not invariably... there was the one time when the bank put a hold on my bank account because of a certified cheque I made out in the wrong amount and no matter what, until the end of time, my account would be frozen because that cheque would never be cashed. Right up the chain of command "nothing could be done until the cheque was cashed" until I burst into tears and suddenly the "unbreakable rule" could be rubber-stamped away. All too often, someone will hold to some nonsensical "unbreakable rule" until I humiliate myself by finally bursting into tears of frustration.
It has taken me decades to manage to take on responsible roles at work, dealing with official crap that needs seeing to, or, as I have done in the co-op we live in, joining committees and the board of directors. Much of the time, everything runs smoothly. Decisions are made. Problems solved. Repairs made. A solid, financially stable organization runs more or less as it should. And most often, it is because one person refuses to act like an adult and expects everyone else to either deal with their shit or pick up the pieces of whatever they "broke". Occasionally, though, shit hits fans. Sometimes, the shit hit the fan 5 or six years ago and we are still finding bits of it cropping up all these years later. Then, things have to be "dealt" with. Sometimes it is me. Sometimes it is someone else. Someone deals with it. Unfortunately, while it is being dealt with, things that should be getting done are not.
Tomorrow, I am the one "dealing" with it. And, really, the getting to the point of dealing with the issue that needs attention causes more tension that the actual point of dealing with it.
But it makes me tired.
I just wish some people would act like adults, listen to what has been said 500 times before so it doesn't have to be repeated the 501st time, and just take responsibility for what they are doing and are supposed to be doing. Stop with the petty intrigues. Stop with the conspiracy theories. Stop pointing fingers... Just be adults.