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  • I wrote the below when I was 17 and thought Starbucks was the coolest. Please pardon the comma splices.


    "There is the saying 'size doesn't matter'. Which is true, size doesn't matter, except when you are buying drinks at Starbucks. Then, size can make a world of difference.

    Tall, grande, and venti are the pretentious terms used to segregate coffee drinks from the mundane common man's small, medium, and large colas. I, myself, am a grande girl. Grande is not whimpish like the short, nor is it anywhere near the pocket-emptying price of the venti. However, on a day when the overcast blocks the sun, and I am hungover, I find the word 'venti' rolling off my tongue with fabulous diction. And on those days, much like let's say, today, my careless-carpe-diem-attitude comes back to bite me in the ass.

    For you see, a venti changes my personality. It makes me want to walk slower, and yearn to discuss politics, poetry, and music. In fact, it makes me feel so cool that I feel inclined to hold my drink low and to the side. Unlike those A.D.D. ridden posers who never let the straw leave their mouths, I hold it loose, and maybe I'll even tip it the slightest bit forward like the way those effortlessly cool skaters carry their skateboards. Yes, you should see me. I am the poster child for laid back 'I take the beaten path' alternative venti drinkers. I put a swagger in my step, and begin to hum a Sam Phillips tune, until---my drink falls to the floor.

    It spills all over the hallway of the Strawberry Square overpass above third street. The cool melts off me and turns into embarrassment. Curse my limp wrists! Curse my laid back hold I had on the cup! Why didn't I drink faster? If I had maybe the ice wouldn't have formed into condensation taking over my cup ultimately causing it to slip out of my hands. Now I stand, a broken shell of a bohemian venti drinking girl (or so I dreamed). Broke, and in a puddle of iced skinny caramel latte! My venti cup lies on the ground mocking me, 'This is why you're not the venti type, grande girl!' The sweet elixir spreads through trying to flee my presence, while I scold myself, and reflect. I could have saved myself the humiliation and money if I had just stuck with my normal size. And that is why in the Church of Starbucks, size means everything."
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