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  • I apologize for not being still. For having tides of mind and heart. As for me. I've grown accustomed to the stillness of lows and froth, thrashing crashing highs. Still, there are times when I'm invited to an event at a fancy restaurant. In the bathrooms there will be gold etched into the walls, or where there are faucets made of silver with delicate and precise wings as knobs, and in those moments I will chastise myself. I will force a smile (for my own amusement) from the unnatural place in my face which makes it so that I look constipated, mostly. If I'm drunk I just laugh at the impermanence of it all but if sober I wonder how safe my children could feel inside those walls.

    It is 1:25pm on a Wednesday and I'm in comfortable jeans and a practically see through t-shirt. That softens the blow somewhat but it also highlights the differences between myself and the suit-wearing peers from the past. "Oh, so you don't practice law?" Their tone is never condescending and their question logical. My response was always ready and conveyed with calm and devoid of emotion, "no." This time with a real smile. My heart no longer smolders, it still hisses like the sound from putting out the tiniest of fires with fingers wet with spit.

    With a brain so big for bullshit and a mouth so ripe for talking where did you lose your way? That question still haunts wakeful nights and bag-under-eye mornings. You have never been good at the things that come so natural to others. Knowing what you want, who you want, where you want to be. Instead, you're a master at knowing what you don't want, who you don't want, and where you don't want to be. Is this high or low tide. It really doesn't matter when you will never again--be losing anything in the pursuit of everything.
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