I hear every breath he takes and each whisper in and out feels like fingernails scraping down a blackboard. Is this it? Is this married life? another 40 years of this humdrum existence? I should be leading a glamorous life, fabulous parties with fabulous people. Instead I sit in our home, watching a TV programme I have no interest in, beside a man who can't stay awake long enough to ask about my day.
He keeps breathing. In and out, on and on. I get up, I huff. He doesn't notice. I start the routine, I tidy a few things, I brush my teeth. I go to bed angry that he hasn't noticed that I've left his side.
I lie in bed, awake. I hear his foot fall on each stair as he comes up to our room. I pretend to sleep as I track every moment of his ritual. He checks in on our baby girl; I smile, and then he climbs into bed; I freeze. He wraps his arms around me and kisses me on my back. I'm so tired he whispers. He kisses me again and tells me he loves me.
I think how he woke this morning at 5am, how he crept out of the house careful not to wake us. He works so hard, and I know he's working hard for us, its just sometimes I forget.
I listen to the rhythm of his breathing, I feel the beat of his heart and I melt, I belong to him.
Once again he is asleep, and this time I'm in his arms. Safe and loved and praying we get at least another 40 years of falling asleep together.