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Things I Wouldn't Believe in 1986: by Patrick Strong
 

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  • 1. Everyone will have cellphones that are computers more powerful than NASA used to land people on the moon, even little children, but most people will spend hours a day typing a moronic form of shorthand to each other instead of actually talking.

    2. These phones will be capable of viewing high definition videos, including porn, but people will instead type cavemen like grunts to each other, even while driving and will cause mayhem on the roadways.

    3. Fast internet connecting everyone with all levels of communication will be almost everywhere and platforms capable of instant media and self-publishing will be available and easy to use, and the most popular platform will be one that only allows 140 characters (including spaces) where people will continue to grunt like cavemen to each other, including famous people and politicians.

    4. We will have a black president who says he's a progressive but in some aspects will make Reagan look like FDR; you will learn a new word "Neo-Liberal" and later find out that Neo-Liberal only has the word "liberal" in it, and it is just a nicer way to say "fascist tool for corporate oligarchs."

    5. The black president will be preceded by an actual developmentally disabled member of the Bush family, and he won't have the cool high functioning autistic savant type of mental disability that allows him to do high level math or amazing art. He will also almost assassinate himself with a bag of pretzels in his first few months in office.

    6. Most everyone will be fat. You will no longer be one of the three fat people you know. Only people with genetic luck, exercise junkies, cancer patients, meth-heads, career criminals in prison and half of the cops chasing the criminals will not be fat.

    7. Everyone will have at least one tattoo . . . even cookie making, church going grandmas.

    8. Pot will be legal or virtually legal in several states including California, but everything else that used to be fun will be illegal.

    9. Because everything will be illegal, most everyone will go to jail or prison at some point in their lives, after being beaten on camera by cops who will not go to jail because they will be taught to scream "Stop resisting" while beating people, even people who were not resisting. These cops will also be able to shoot most anybody they want at will, sometimes on camera, and just say they were "in fear for their lives and just wanted to get home to their families" and not only not got to prison but not even lose their jobs and even get promotions.

    10. People with no-talent whatsoever will be wildly famous, and an adoring public will watch their every move on TV. They won't be actors, musicians, writers, dancers, artists or anything else that requires actual skill, yet they will still have fame and money at a level that would amaze even Andy Warhol. Many of them will be rednecks, some of them in actual trailer parks smelling each others farts, and they will be famous.

    11. Everyone will be able to take pictures and videos at will with the high definition cameras in their phones, so almost everyone will wind up "accidentally" having their nude photos or sex videos end up online for the public to see. You will see nudes and homemade porn of several of your friends online randomly.

    12. Hardcore pornography (even the creepy German stuff) will be free and readily available.

    13. Rock & Roll will die and be replaced by DJs who don't even spin records but hit a play button on a computer in front of giant stadiums full of very high people dancing and sucking on pacifiers until some of them have heart attacks and die while people continue to dance around their corpses and maybe even take pictures of the body with their phones while smiling next to it.

    14. The three people you knew in high school who believed the world was less than 12,000 years old and that God put fossils in the ground to test our faith will be joined by millions who will believe that the Flintstones was a cartoon documentary. There will be full on creationist museums that will have Flintstones looking exhibits.

    15. The belief in a flat-earth will also begin gaining traction again.

    16. People will believe that vaccines are part of a vast conspiracy to kill them; this will include the parents of toddlers. These geniuses will cause outbreaks of diseases not seen in many years.

    17. The preppy types (called "Hipsters" in the future) will all look like lumberjacks or bare knuckle boxers from the late 19th Century; none of them will work with lumber or even know how to box. Matter of fact, many men will grow facial hair while many women and even young girls will shave every bit of hair off their entire bodies.

    18. LA, especially Hollywood, will be filled with its usual privileged, mostly white people, but they will eat only vegetables and call themselves "vegans" to declare themselves better than others. They will claim this is out of their love for animals and need to save the earth, but they will still have expensive, designer leather hand bags, wallets and shoes.

    19. Almost everyone will be on psychotropic drugs prescribed by doctors, except the wretched homeless, many of them Vets with PTSD from continual warfare, who could actually use and have a legitimate medical need for the drugs being taken by people who are just bummed out that life didn't turn out the way they thought it would in high school.

    20. People will wait in long drive-thru lines to buy a five dollar cup of coffee, but they won't be angry because they will be heavily medicated while typing caveman grunts to their friends on their phones. Many of them will post instant photos taken by their phone cameras of their five dollar coffee online though social media. They will do this more than once, sometimes daily. Many of these people will believe they are free and don't live in a prison. Somehow, the suicide rates will be much lower than you will expect.
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