Pre-day One: I have tried to do this once before and failed because I had a headache the size of Mt. Everest. So I am making my “See You On The Other Side” Last Cup of Coffee and will pick myself up to try once more.
Only water from the tap to drink for 40 days and 40 nights.
Day 1: Moved the coffee pot into the laundry room…outta sight, outta mind.
2. Raging headache, really missing my coffee. Went out to dinner last night with a friend and didn’t order a glass of wine. The waiter kept saying “Oh, come on!” Just water
3. Headache is easing up a bit, ironically I think sweating out whatever chemical lines my brain did me good on this afternoon’s 9 mile run.
4. Do milkshakes count?
5. Added lemon to my water. My daughter said I was cheating.
6. Instead of “only water” mentality, reshaping my thought process of “I really get to have this nice, fresh, clean water today!”
7. Does this matter? Maybe, maybe not. A friend said “money goes farther in Africa than in America. Your money will matter.”
8. Thirsty. Didn’t realize how I satiated myself from other sources of liquid other than water.
9. Designated driver.
10. Hungry for liquid flavor.
11. Missing the coziness of a Saturday morning cup of coffee.
12. Accidentally had a sip of Caroline’s Sprite at the cinema.
13. Really leaning into God right now, but how: “Oh God, I can’t…help.”
14 Longing for a relaxing glass of wine intensified when things don’t go my way.
15. Occurred to me that if a bottle of water wasn’t an option then I would demand cleaner water from the tap.
16. Water, why isn’t it enough?
17. What cravings ever fully satisfy?
18. Noticing a clearing of my skin???
19. Lemons, I shall add oranges to my water, just to shake things up a bit.
20. Deeply satisfied with the fresh strawberries and warm melted, chocolate in a way that only food can satisfy.
21. So tired this a.m, god I need a jump start.
22. My mom is here overnight, I brought the coffeepot out from hiding on her behalf. One of the hardest things I’ve done is make her a cup, smell it brewing, and not have a cup. But I didn’t tell her, “Cream or sugar mom?”
23. “ A cup of one thing won’t harm, will it?” This voice inside my head is not mine.
24. I watched a friend outside doing yard work with a can of diet Coke. I smacked my lips and
felt the saliva pool inside my mouth. The day is unusually hot for this time of year.
25. Driven to experimentation… food added to water, like oranges, mint, honey have a fuller taste.
26. Consistently using the Brita filter for all it’s worth these days.
27. A clawing soul inside me wants more than to drink comfort from an eternal well.
28. “Come to the Well”, again and again.
29. Ancient is this inverted mathematical equation.
30. Entitlement is my belief that I deserve a glass of wine after what I’ve been through this week, don’t I?
31. Desert fathers I think of, removing one self to live in a cave, but I have to pour cups of milk and juice because my children are thirsty.
32. Sensing God’s preservation through this fasting as it coincides with a deep time of trial in my personal life. I didn’t realize I was protecting myself by establishing this fast because I would surely be an alcoholic if I hadn’t.
33. Less than a week. What will I break the fast with?
34. I have my answer: a bottle of home-brewed beer given to me by a family of friends.
35. My friends invited me over to their house for a glass of wine. I felt like an idiot.
36. Counting beans: how much water to flush a toilet, fill a bathtub, wash my clothes…and I can only think of the young girls in Uganda missing school because they are the water bearers. And I just turn on a faucet.
37. Hot, clean water with a bitter, citrus peel. I cradle the hot cup in both hands, savoring this moment.
38. My daughter, out of the blue, said "Your fast is almost over." I had no idea she was paying attention.
39. My mammon, your mammon: Money, sex, drugs, alcohol, a person, work… my attempt to create a god that I can control but ends up controlling me.
40. A sweet sadness that is deep inside me… I cry that this time is over.
I think, at the end of this account, I was led to a well that was not a mirage. I was most full when I was emptied, strongest when I was weakest, and most alive when He rolled my gravestone away.