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  • Nietzsche said that our destiny is not made of happy times but of happy moments. Happiness is fragile and volatile and if it were constant, it wouldn't have any value. He defended that we need sadness as we rate our happiness through comparison.

    I was reading about this and started thinking about my past. It is easier for me to rate the past since I put a lot of pressure on my present. I realized that I have lived a life full of happy moments. Of course, I first listed several ones that I already considered happy, but searching pictures led me to songs and, through them, I discovered that I actually missed the sad ones too.

    Music can do that to you, it puts you right back at the moment in a way that you can almost feel those feelings again. It happened so many times: when I heard a song that I was listening when I got dumped for the first time, another one that I used to listen every day when I got the bus to work in a time when I was really anxious about my future. Even when I had to decide whether to have an abortion or not, or when I decided to leave my family to move to the other side of the ocean, those songs made me nostalgic.

    They are bittersweet feelings, but not bad ones. These were moments of my life. Happy or sad, they were mine and somehow made me what I am today. Maybe I feel that way because I made the right decisions on them, not the correct ones, but the right ones for those particular moments.

    I honestly believe that most things happen in our lives the way they do, because they are extensions of what we are. I am not talking about tragedies such as diseases, accidents or poverty, but the sequences of little moments, the people we love, those that we become friends with, the mistakes, the successes, they are an extension of who we are and therefore will be missed whether the experiences were good or bad.

    The best example I can give is the time when I fell depressed. The one I consider the worst in my life. During those days (almost an year until I started to get better), I was just able to breath and lye on a bed the whole day. I can only describe it as an excruciating pain and the despair of not feeling fit to live. I didn't feel I had the strength to restart my career, fall in love, have children, or just be a normal girl again. I would watch films but always the ones with no meaning that would not trigger my despair. Until I discovered Twilight (Yes, Twilight!). Twilight is about immortals, forever young vampires that, at that moment, somehow appealed to me. I watched them over and over again as a way of not thinking at all.

    The vampires served their purpose and, unfortunately, when my treatment started to work I lost interest on them. Today, I am very well and, every time Twilight is on television, although I don't have the patience to watch it again (I watched it far too many times), I leave it on because the songs of the movie bring me back memories and feelings of a time I didn't think I was gonna miss at all. Come on! I spent most of my year stuck in a bedroom, crying and watching vampires movies nonstop!!!

    I guess it is my unconscious reminding me that I am over that phase, that I was strong enough to rebuild my life again (or start rebuilding, I am not superman!!) .

    Or I just miss it because it is part of me, I am what I am and another person wouldn't have survived or would be very traumatized. I always needed the drama to feel alive and the illness was just a consequence of my behavior that went really bad.

    Or maybe it brings me good feelings to be reminded of such a sad time because it makes me realize how much happier I am now.

    Nevertheless, my realization today goes further, I spent my life waiting for 'the happiness' without realizing that I was being happy all the way through even in the darkest moments. There isn't such a thing as 'the happiness'. There are good moments and they are not always Kodak ones.

    I guess Nietzsche was right. We are destined to happy moments and we need sadness to compare.
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