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  • You're so young, and you're already letting it all go.

    My deepest, realest fear, as you know, is being average. I fear it more than death and pain. To me, it is the greatest vice. Mediocrity is a poison with no antidote, and I refuse to acknowledge it in any form. I want to be close to tears at least once every day of my life, be it from laughing, sadness, relief, what have you. If a day of my life goes by where my soul is not stirred enough to bring me to tears, then I have died.

    To ensure that my life would remain this way, I knew I would only surround myself with people whose presence was vital and necessary to this goal, who would make me laugh at any opportunity and fill my life with emotional significance. Your role in this was unique -- not only did you fill my days with raucous laughter, but you ignited a purity in me that made me want to be a genuine and kind person every single second. Gone were the crude jokes and cocky attitude I boasted for so long, and in its place was a true concern and desire for the happiness and well-being of others, primarily yours. And it is this concern and desire that leads me to say what I am about to say.

    You are half of what you used to be. And I believe I am to blame for this.

    When love plateaus, a series of things happens. You grow into a beautiful familiarity, one that makes your life feel inexorably linked with another person's in a way that brings clarity to your own existence. You are in harmony, synchrony, and nothing cannot be shared in this precious space. However, a small part of your soul begins to dry up and flake away. Gone is the exciting impulse to impress the other in any way possible, gone is the nervous yet earnest whispering of secrets and emotions in the dead of night, gone is the discovery and excavation that comes with learning a person's ways. For the most part, these things cannot be helped. However, you appear to be going through the loss of something much more valuable -- your ambition.

    I have seen you slowly, unconsciously shed things from your life that used to make you who you are. You have a steady and stable job that you are fully committed to, which is admirable, but outside that realm you have forfeited your identity. You don't explore, discover, dream. When we are together, the laughter and joy are just as strong as always, but there is a lifeless shadow that traces you. Sometimes, I feel that our laughter is benign, juvenile, and I despise it.

    You do not exercise your body or your mind anymore. I have pleaded that you come with me, that you try something ridiculous and random and new, that you break a sweat or break concentration or somehow just break the monotony that has become your life. I have tried again and again, but your ambition is gone. You have no drive to do these things, and it claws open my insides to watch it happen. Has my love for you done this, or is this a decision all your own? Are we too comfortable? Will you ever wake up?

    Nothing scares me more than living an average life. But as I look at you now, it seems my worst fear in life has now been supplanted by another, even more painful fear -- the person I love living an average life. And as our plateau crumbles into dust, I hope something will stir you enough to pick up the pieces.
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