Find an apartment without accidentally giving your money away to any Nigerian missionaries. Hire a moving company willing to carry your stuff up thin flights of stairs. Throw away the things that don't fit. Invest in a box of earplugs. Learn how to ride the subway. Join a dating website. Learn to complain about those who don't know how to ride the subway -- those who lean on the poles and take up too many seats and hit your nose with their backpacks. Visit the Met. Read the fine print, it says 'Suggested' Donation. Become visible to cab drivers, it's a super power. Figure out the Village. Yes, 4th and 12th intersect, it's a hole in the space time continuum. Learn to walk at a brisk pace. Learn to grumble at slow people. Learn to avoid Times Square at all costs. Date a lot of losers wearing glasses they don't need. Stop calling it 'the subway.' Embrace waiting. Discover Grom. Fall in love. Buy a pair of hipster sneakers. Pay too much for coffee. Move into a bigger apartment. Throw away the things that don't fit. Ponder this non-physics as you measure the rooms to see if you can fit a full-size couch. Stay away from the third rail. Learn the dog poop mambo -- you don't want to get shit on your hipster sneakers. Have someone on the train spill their soy chai latte all over you. Swear off wearing white. Never enter an empty train car -- the air conditioning is broken. Buy a new box of earplugs. Kill a few plants. Remember that sometimes you have to go up to go down. Say "Yes." Consider moving out of the city. Buy cronuts. Hate yourself a little. Order Insomnia with milk. Give money to the "Let It Shine" singers on the R. Learn to love yourself, becoming ok with happiness. Get married. Learn to embrace people who move slower than you. Buy a cactus. Never sit in the Map Seat.