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  • The last thing you said to me was 'it can't be that bad'
    Or was it 'it can't get any worse'?
    Or 'it'll only get worse'?
    The last thing you said to me was 'I love you madly'.
    The last thing I remember was a goodbye.

    Goodbye to hope.
    'The audacity of hope' (tm).
    Goodbye.
    Goodbye to spooning your way to sleep.
    Goodbye to spoons.
    To love.
    To hope.
    Goodbye to unintentional erections at inappropriate times.
    Goodbye to the awkward silence that follows me around.
    Goodbye to stupid, immature desires articulated poorly in public.
    Goodbye to having nothing to offer.
    Goodbye to letters.
    To letters I wrote but never sent.
    Goodbye to the alphabet.

    The alphabet of my life goes from a to z to a again without even the glimmer of a beginning or of an end.
    N (for anxiety, for the unbearable anxiety that comes with unspeakable truths) might as well be z (for the sound that begins Xanax which actually starts with an x).
    N (which is for neurology) might as well be m (for MRI).
    Don't quote me but I'm pretty sure I don't need the alphabet to know for sure that one day I will die and my body will turn to dirt or water or some other assemblage of mush that bears no resemblance (physical or otherwise) to the me I once was.

    I have been lucky in love depending on how you measure these things.
    I have been in love.
    I am in love.
    I have been so in love that I did bad things at the wrong times and in a bad way.
    I have let love make me compromise who I am and how I am who I am.
    I have done it willingly.
    Who doesn't want to be loved?
    I give up, give in, get on in order to be able to say I'm in love.

    The last thing you said was.
    The last thing you said.
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