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  • it's not easy for the novice to find his own ass muscle. it's friday again and i'm shooting for her. not for her, exactly, but for her.

    i've spent a great deal of time on the side of the road lately. five hours most recently, babysitting an old sedan with blown head gaskets. the coolant reservoir had exploded, i knew, but was still foolishly optimistic. this would all be hard enough with a fully-functional old sedan. now it's destined for the heap and i sit, bloody cheek from a poorly administered shot, in the one-room efficiency where she and i began and ended.

    we stretched over the course of more than three years, engaged in the most brutal sort of love affair. i hurt her with a series of senseless indiscretions. She replied with slow destruction--methodically breaking me down, then spritzing acid on my most basic compounds. and then she left. but I was warned the last time she agreed to stay and it's not her fault I chose to forget so soon after. when we were good, though, we were legendary in our fortress of pure intimacy and growling, lustful expression.

    the last breakdown was as timely as they come. i had my tent and sleeping bag in the trunk, prepared to take the weather's worst. storms battered the beach at which i was aimed while i slept, folded up in the back seat outside of a sears auto center. the tornadoes and tides might have swept me away for good.

    she will have married for money at least once before returning to me fully, the only way i'll have her again. winning her back is a paradox, i know, for while she may visit in the meantime there will be no proper surrender until i'm trained to dismiss concern for such matters. so i'll master my place in the world.

    i'm on foot, walking miles at night to get the few things i need. with every step i trade the angst of loss for the certain knowledge that a hopeless lunatic approaches, well disguised and bent on bathing his rage in my cooling blood. if my demise is his only salvation then i must keep mindful--always improving in strength and stamina.

    it gives me a start. it's why i'm shooting on fridays. not for her, exactly, but for her.
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