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  • I keep on wondering if I sleep too long,
    Will I even wake up the same, or so?
    I keep on wondering if I sleep too long,
    Will I ever wake up again, or something?

    - Cat Stevens, from Sitting
    -------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Ruh-roh. My CPAP machine got broken on my way back from Minneapolis yesterday. I think it happened when somebody shoved their big carryon bag into the overhead on the plane and knocked my poor little machine around up there. I didn’t like the way it looked when I retrieved it at the end of the flight. Sure enough, when I went to turn it on at bedtime, it was blowing air somewhere, but not into the hose that leads to the mask I wear on my face.

    I’ve been using this thing since Christmas Eve, and getting increasingly better, and more, sleep each night as a result. I played around with it some, but then noticed that it appears to be missing a piece, right where the hose connects to the machine. That caused me to think it might have happened when they made me take it out of its bag to run through the security screening machine. I’ve traveled with it several times before, and they never made me do that until this time.

    At any rate, I didn’t get to sleep until around 1:30, and here it is 4:30 a.m., and I appear to be up for the day. Just like before I had the machine, once I awoke for my obligatory call of nature in the middle of the night, my body was up, and I couldn’t get back to sleep. I know why, too. I never achieved that deep REM sleep that I had gotten accustomed to with the machine, which makes me so relaxed, deep in my tissues, that I’m able to easily go back to sleep after my nature run. This time, I just laid there, and after 20 minutes, knew it was futile. I’m wide awake.

    This isn’t exactly what I needed on the weekend before I move into my new position at work. It’s now official, the announcement came out late in the afternoon of Friday, that I’ll be moving into that job on Monday. I’m hoping I can get hold of somebody over the weekend to either send a replacement machine, or at least, be able to take it in to the Sleep Center for repair. I’ve gotten used to getting a good night’s sleep. I don’t really want to go back to being sleep-deprived.
  • I guess I made the most out of it when I was (sleep-deprived), but I’ve gotten so used to that good night’s sleep, both the REM part of it, and the extra hour to hour and a half I’ve been averaging a night. I was getting close to a 7 hour average, as opposed to 5 - 5 ½ hours, pre-CPAP.

    I used to laugh and say, “Sleep’s overrated!” Of course, that was just me making the most of a difficult situation. I do that, sometimes to my own detriment. That resourcefulness probably kept me going a few years longer in my active addiction than I otherwise might have done. I have to watch out for that, because it’s just an automatic mode that kicks in, that survivor gene that keeps me going through thick and thin. I used to always think that was a good thing, but now I know – not always, so much.

    The ability to surrender and admit powerlessness over some things has proven to be a much more powerful skill to cultivate, and to apply as appropriate, especially to situations over which I have no control. Like, when I was beginning to shift into worry mode about my broken CPAP machine, and the impact it might have on my getting proper rest this weekend - the ability to surrender that worry to knowing that, in the end, it will all work out, was a big help.

    But, you can be damned sure I’m going to be seeing what I can do about getting that machine fixed, while I’m at it. I’ve come to enjoy my deep sleep. Not only do I feel more rested throughout the day, I think my mind works a hell of a lot better when I’m getting decent sleep over an extended period of time. I really don’t want to go backwards, and get used to being sleep deprived, again. Because, frankly, sleep deprivation sucks.

    I want my sleep back!
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