It was so good to be on night shoots this weekend and be able to avoid mother's day.

Mother's day is just an incredibly painful and irrelevant holiday for me now.

The last time I spent it with my mother she was in hospital dying.

I hate the weeks coming up to this celebration. The emails in my inbox from companies telling me what to buy. The television adverts. Shops with their motherly displays. All for a celebration I can no longer engage with.

I can put flowers on a grave. But that just hurts.

On set, the costume designer asked. "So, did you all get sorted for mother's day then?"

Everyone answered in turn, I just smiled and stayed silent. I don't quite know yet how to say to people that "my mother's dead" without it sounding like a slap in the face to their innocent conversation.

Not everybody has a mother. Not everybody remembers that.

Today of all days if I'd had to say it out loud I think I would have cried and not stopped crying.

But this mother's day, I was on set and I actually had things to do other than to be miserable.

So I stayed silent. And smiled. And counted the blessings I had.