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  • I want to tell you about my much-maligned adopted state. The phrase “smart as a Florida voter” will probably never enter the vernacular. Our treeless developments and garish strip malls are national eyesores. We’re weird and getting weirder faster; we keep threatening to turn top-notch satirists like Carl Hiaasen into documentarians.

    Here are some reasons why you should not consider the Sunshine State as a potential home:

    1. Humidity that feels like someone has thrown a wet terry cloth towel over your head every time you walk outside.

    2. Summer heat that makes you feel like a mime trapped in a sweat lodge.

    3. Hurricanes.

    4. Pro-Castro crazies.

    5. Anti-Castro crazies.

    6. Gun runners.

    7. Dope smugglers.

    8. Religious fanatics.

    9. Fire ants.

    10. Gators in your swimming hole or swimming pool.

    11. Greedy developers (see crooked politicians).

    12. Crooked politicians. (see greedy developers)

    13. Cockroaches that could double as pack mules.

    And here’s the really insane part: I love it. I just love it. Florida teaches you to take everything the Universe can throw at you and deal with it. Despite all efforts to eliminate them, there are still pockets of great natural beauty and diverse wildlife. We have some of the best beaches and glorious best sunsets on God’s green earth. So, OK, we’ll continue to play the role of America’s punch line, while holding out for the possibility that maybe, just maybe, the joke is on you.

    (Image: screen capture from a video by Damen Shaqiri)
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