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  • I wish I could explain the pain that I am going through. I wish I could picture it, describe it, capture it and lock it away. I can't do any of that. I can't tell you what it looks like and that may be the hardest part for me. I have no words to tell you how it feels except empty. I can't control when it happens. I have to push everyone away because they can't help. No one can help me and it feels like i'm suffocating. i can't think of anything that makes me happy when I get like this. All I want to do is cry and escape from the drowning sensation. I can't breathe, there's a huge lump in my throat and movement feels like nothing. I am weightless, not tied down to this earth and everything is pushing against me. The only thing I imagine is the sight of blood after cutting myself. After the stinging. Every time I get to this place I imagine that. I've only got so desperate twice but I think about it often. Why must I be in more pain to stop the suffocation? To stop the thoughts, the good happy thoughts from fleeting from my head. No one understands.
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