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  • I always pursued love but I guess love never pursued me . I met so many people in my life and I was given the gift to give but as saintly St Francis prayer says it is more important to give than to receive,I forgot the real meaning of the words and I was always expecting to receive in return . I guess I had dreams of eternal love,of gratitude, that never lasted, that never were fulfilled and I was left with an empty heart full of bruises that no one never saw or knew . I was the enigma, the healer ,the saint with a halo that I never saw in the mirror . I was the teacher that had to hold a teddy bear before it could give a lesson and the word fake came into my head so many times but the words that came through my mouth did not belong to me. I was the messenger and not the message as I heard once.

    I was the saint and the sinner, the extrovert and the hermit, the observer and the observed, the dream and the dreamer, the instruments and the music sometimes with angelical notes from Heaven sometimes with discordant rhythm of loneliness and despair.

    I waited every night to be in the landscape of my dreams where I could fly without the restrain of my body and I was so free like a magic bird .The movements of my acrobatics were so real that next morning I felt inside my mind the thought that if I only could go to the window I could do the same. I could fly in an eternal splendor of freedom .But I was wrong. I was just been given a memory of what once I was.

    I wish I could remember love as I remember fear . Perhaps the later had such strong influence in my life and I never found the antidote in my hope for eternal love.

    I live every day with the unsettled feeling that no one really understands me and that gives me an alien sense of being . I speak a different language to those around me and I can see through their minds wondering what insane thing I am about to do next.

    Once I was a little girl and the horizon of life seemed to be so far away. Now I am here looking at the same horizon and it is just so close to where I am .Someone said once “be careful to reach to the pot at the end of the rainbow because you will lose the rainbow ”I feel the same at the moment.
    I met so many people in my life. So few stayed behind closed to me . I wonder around inside my own space and I am beginning to understand how glorious our own being is.
    People need to be gregarious. When we are born,when we married,when we have birthdays even if I can not remember one in my case that was properly celebrated, and when we died. I guess, in this event as well I will be quite unnoticed We need the goodbyes and the flowers and the ritual ,but is more for the ones left behind than for the ones departing .We came alone and we leave alone and it is the world in between full of illusions that we get hold of people in the hope that this will last forever .It is only a dream. It is the safety blanket of our minds .But when the dream finish, there are not flowers, or tears, or laughter from the world behind It is our real world waiting for us ,the real Love…..eternal…the most magnificent light moving away the fears and then.we are not lost or alien or misunderstood,because it is our Source. Our Home.
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