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  • my mom has dementia. shit!

    and i see the lostness in her beautiful green eyes, as she opens and closes them, somehow knowing I am there, somehow not

    open your eyes, mommy, I say

    and she answers, i just want to keep them closed and it’s good enough for me to feel that you’re here by my side

    my mom has dementia, shit!

    i want to hold her in my arms and make it all go away, her confusion, her pain, her fears, her tears and her lostness. I want to make her feel the way she made me feel when i was alone. and i can’t, shit!

    she’s leaving me bit by bit and i want to hold on tight and i want to let her go

    i’ve had a long life, she says, I am ready to go

    and, not holding back the tears, i tell her she has my permission

    mi mama tiene demencia. mierda!

    y veo en sus hermosos ojos verdes que esta perdida, los abre y los cierra, sabiendo o no sabiendo que ahi estoy yo

    abri los ojos, mami, le digo

    y me responde, quiero tenerlos cerrados y me alcanza sentir que estas aqui, a mi lado

    mi mama tiene demencia. mierda!

    quiero tenerla en mis brazos y hacer que todo desaparezca, su confusion, su dolor, sus miedos, sus lagrimas y sus sentimientos de estar perdida. quiero darle lo que ella me daba a mi cuando yo me sentia sola. y no lo logro. mierda!

    se me esta yendo, poco a poco y quiero agarrarla fuerte y no dejarla ir, y quiero dejarla ir. mi vida ha sido muy larga, me dice, y ya me quiero ir

    y, sin esconder mis lagrimas, le doy mi permiso


    PHOTO probably taken by me, as mom and I share the same passion for photography, in 1962. Mom was 39.
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