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  • I wasn't exactly honest with my doctor...my new doctor. He is young and good looking and kind of sweet. He sort of looks like Chris Pine the actor. I love Chris Pine because he plays Captain Kirk in the new Star Trek movies. BTW can't wait for new one, saw preview at Star Wars. Anyway, my old doctor is retiring and I practically grew up with him. I saw his hair change from jet black to grey. And now, if I were seeing him he would just roll his eyes because he is burnt out, the same as I am.

    But my new doctor looks at me with interest, like he cares. He has years and years before he will be burnt out. He asks about stressors in my life. Anyone die recently? No ... No doctor. In fact, everything is great, really great. I tell the truth. That is, the truth as I see it - looking into Chris Pines eyes, Captain Kirk. Nothing can take you down when you're with Captain Kirk cause he always finds a way out!

    He smiles but even in his youthfulness I think he knows the truth about me.

    It's true no one has died (and I'm grateful for that - believe me). But when I have time to think ... and I start thinking, ... I know - I'm a liar.

    I'm tired of working, dog tired.

    It's not like I just go sit at a desk. I'm in my car constantly, driving in heat or cold. Seeing 20 new people every week all with potentially life threatening illnesses or if not, still lots of problems. I get to listen to it all, and then let go to hear the next story, then the next story.

    I feel my eyes rolling, is my hair turning grey? I want to care - but not too much - as my heart can't take it.

    My husband was laid off, then retired - yada yada. No, can't stop working though I desperately want to (health insurance). Then, hearing about San Bernadino killings. I didn't work there but did work for a sister organization in another city for nine years. I remember the receptionist explaining why there was glass around the receptionist desk. They had an irate father come in once. He was a puppeteer. Yes, that's right. He did puppet shows at children's parties. Anyway, apparently he came in and made quite a scene, although no one was hurt. After that they put up the bulletproof glass at the receptionist desk.

    My last visit (last week) before the holidays, on Christmas Eve, - the patient was possibly suicidal. I knew this driving there and I'm always thinking when I drive - of plans and contingencies. His hobby was guns. When I arrived his family told me - there are guns in the home. I said, "Get them out." Also, "Check under the mattress and pillows when he is out of the bedroom, and in drawers."

    We have a little trip to the ocean planned. Not long enough for me. But still, I'm sure my doctor would be pleased. My captain - Captain Kirk.

    Breathe in deeply that ocean air, watch the waves roll in and out like a heart beat. Don't think about the sharks beneath even though you know they are there, just stay out of the water. Look at a beautiful sunset. Ahhhhhh. Can't wait.
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