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  • For the Ancient Aztecs the one animal with most Power was the Hummingbird. You see it and your heart jumps, so cute, but: the Hummingbird - watch them for a while - is very territorial and very aggressive...

    Such is Life, so is the whole universe: utterly cruel and gorgeously beautiful!

    I am blinder than ever I noticed yesterday. Most days actually I have moments like this, most days since my diagnose 7 years ago. There goes my eyesight and it dies a little more every day and makes me sad and I am sick and tired of repeating it here (and probably you are sick and tired of reading and a thousand times re- reading this!?) Life is cruel.

    My husband - as I told you some text

    - after 40 years of binge drinking nearly died, finally touched bottom, struggling hard to avoid being on Dialysis for the rest of his life, life is cruel. Life is good: it had to happen. It could have happened before, but his body held up (cruel or gorgeous?), he could have died, he could have beenwith completely failed kidneys and yesterday we found out: his kidneys started working - oh, WONDERFUL life!

    I sat in Grupo Visión Grupo Visión

    with a bunch of people from all walks of life: a young indigenous man, who just returned from studying to be a doctor in Cuba, a mother with two handicapped children, a mother with a baby - son born without eyes, a mother with a baby, who suffers epileptic attacks every few days, several blind women, a woman raped by the leader of her community, then shunned by the whole community, a painter who lost her right hand in an accident...and many others: they live with chronic illnesses, have survived lifethreatening crisis....suddenly I talked about my crisis, all the masks fell, Kiki is weak, too, Kiki needs us, we are all strong and all fragile, could be gone in a second, some are older, some are young, some have dark skin, others are white, some are from here, others from Europe, but our hearts beat the same, grew bigger then, big, BIG, and I felt it and felt sustained by that BIG HEART that beat all of us for a moment together...

    And for once we did not talk about integration and disability, but alcoholism and I talked about suicide, my mother´s attempts, my aunt´s, my own crisis, about the sexual abuse in my family, all this stories I had never ever recognized that clearly. It always seemed that I heard about chaotic and disfunctional families in therapy. But my own is just like that: members died of alcoholism, sadness, lives nearly shattered by abuse, Depression, Desperation and then , nevertheless: love and resilience and, yes: gorgeous beauty...

    I can often not bring it together, cannot contain the contrast. Can you?


    my friend Manuel painted my shirt with this beautiful Hummingbird as a gift to me, these days.
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