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  • I believed that my fierce addiction to create new art out of my old paintings and newer digital art, was , because I SEE my eyesight waning and waning even more. But probably there was this other anxiety that has accompanied me for 38 years. Once I wrote something about MY 3 CHRONIC ILLNESSES: 1. Retinitis Pigmentaria, which is taking away my eyesight since probably forever, even though I just know it since 2008. 2. Depressions, which I have just come to grips with using antidepressants for 18 years, but which I learnt to manage shortly before the eye - disease - diagnos 3. My husband´s alcoholism, I live with since the very beginning, exactly since September 17th 1977, he was dead drunk when I fell in love with him (and I do not come from a family with alcoholism!). Now, on September 17th 2015 he was as drunk and in between an infinity of times: hiding for days in unknown hotels, drinking bottles of vodka in a few hours, reachind delirium tremens.... BUT: he is 38 years older.

    In between crisis he created great businesses and awesome photography, was a great and fun husband and caring father.

    Every single crisis I have feared the worst: he will die, be it of a heart attack, liver failure or an accident. He has always come out and then been dry for months and a few times a whole year. I have left him once and returned 3 years later.

    I just said I cannot be around you when you drink, you turn into a monster. So he built a little house in front of our house, where he would retire to during the next spell, so we would not have to search for him anywhere and everywhere and he would not use the car.

    Last week was the first time he did retire to that little house. I let him. There is nothing to do for me then.

    Last Sunday I heard this snoring noise outside my studio before going to bed ( and not sleeping well, because I was worried anyways). I found him unconcious in the garden, called my sons, who drove him to the hospital. There he started having repeated convulsions. When I arrived and talked to him he looked at me, I imagined his eyes saying I LOVE YOU I AM SORRY - and then he fell into a convulsion that lasted more than 20 minutes and my 3 sosn and I thought he was dying.

    He did not die. They saved him in the hospital in Tuxtla and thanks to God the ambulance got there, because every 2nd day the road is blocked by this or that angry group.

    Some Brain Deterioration, big liver and spleen, nerve damage, but the most serious consequence: threatening Kidney Failure!

    We are at home since yesterday with the most restricted diet imaginable. The man is finally scared. Very scared.

    Two of my sons also have an alcohol problem. They are great caretakers, I hope they got also scared, very scared.

    It is now, at home, that I feel scared to my bones. I also know that this is not in my hands. It had to happen. It is not anymore about losing his wife, it is about dying. Las Call. Never another drink or the grave.

    Cross all your fingers for me, with me, for him, for us!

    I will keep doing art, it is the only activity that calms me down. I feel blinder and older than ever before, but I still can do this!

    ________________________________

    Art by Kiki
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