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  • a seemingly taboo subject matter
    no one ever really talks about it
    if they do
    it is usually in some intangible way

    the first time i became really aware of my own mortality
    my general practitioner was telling me
    about different blood pressure medications
    and side effects
    and she looked me straight in the eye and said
    “what are you worried about, you think you’ll live forever?”

    a very close friend of mine died Sunday
    we were suppose to go to lunch that day but he called and cancelled because
    he had forgotten he had made a previous commitment
    that evening, he climbed the stairs to his bedroom
    popped into bed and died
    he died with a smile on his face, like he had just heard an amusing anecdote
    that anecdote being life

    there is a surreal realm to this death and dying business
    death comes to us all in different ways
    some die a little bit at a time
    others go out in a big bang
    one thing all these deaths have in common
    is a kind of here today, gone tomorrow mantra

    did i mention, i don’t do to well when it comes to death?
    it’s just the permanence of the thing. you can’t go back and erase it once it happens.
    there’s no repeats. dead is dead. i mean, really dead.
    i talk a lot about sitting up in the clouds and looking round at things
    but in all honesty, once i’m gone…finito.
    life is a gift that i sometimes take for granted and death is totally beyond my comprehension

    i don’t think my friend knew he was going to die
    i just think he laid back in bed and took one last breath
    the one that everyone will eventually come to
    he took it, eyes open and a smile on his face
    that was it

    I’m writing this because it feels like there is a missing piece
    I’m writing this because, ‘What’s it all about, Alfie?” keeps playing in my head
    Mostly I’m writing this to thank my friend for being a friend
    for sharing his life with mine
    for being there when I needed a friend
    for telling me i was a beautiful person and he loved me

    i don’t know if he’s in a better place
    i don’t know if he can hear my thoughts
    but if he can
    i guess this is my way of saying thank you for being my friend.
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