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  • I met a new friend recently-a Scottish pastor. Did we meet per chance or per God? Because of my own rich church background, I have my own thoughts on that. I know God put us together. My husband is Scottish.. just fit.We drove to a nearby town to attend the church where he was preaching. Afterward, he treated us to a delicious meal of chicken sandwiches, hamburgers and ice cream. I told him I had been diagnosed with bipolar in what seems like a lifetime ago. He asked a question no one else has asked. "What does it feel like, if I may ask?" I tried to think about it. I knew the monster inside.The one who at times was relentless with the hatred of the devil and sometimes...well, I don't know, I don't remember much. God, in His infinate wisdom, chose to take most of the memories from me. How could I answer such an ellusive question. How can I make sense of a time most like a combination of a wild rollercoaster ride and a quick slide into the depths of hell?

    The truth is, I can't. All the years of being called "hot-tempered" or I "ran hot, then cold" -just me. I just accepted it as part of who i was.

    Being diagnosed was a kind of bitter sweet event for me because I now had a name for it. But,what did it mean? I was immediately put on meds and finally after three years, I was "stabilized." After some time of being stabilized, i realized my imagination had flown the coop. I wrote for the local paper and now could not find words to create my usual missives and masterpieces. I became boring. I missed my monsters. I missed the fun I thought I'd had. (no one else had any fun)

    The photo shown is what it felt like -days where the colors were so beautiful, no one would believe it, mixed in with the blackness of the most dangerous storm looming on the horizon. That's what it feels like.
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