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  • Like a lot of people, my life has never been smooth sailing for long. There are times when the bumpy, dark, roller-coaster periods are so long and so difficult that I have to go into fantasy mode to remember what it kinda sorta must have been like to not have days/weeks/months filled with family, business, personal and emotional challenges.

    I’m not complaining actually – along with this life I was given the ability to land on my feet – always and every time.

    So Far.

    Miracles happen.

    Gifts appear.

    Help arrives.

    I conjure some, others arrive as complete surprises.

    When climbing one mountain leads only to more mountains, I’ve learned to ‘lean in’ as they say. Rather than resist.

    Oh, I resist still. Usually I catch myself. But sometimes I don’t – until it’s been a while and I realize… hum… this isn’t working because I’m resisting what I need to do, what is important here. I’m resisting what is. It’s not a new concept.

    I try to stay present. Aware in a gentle way. But there are times when I am completely spaced out to what is going on. To what I might be, or who I really am.

    Lately I’ve put myself in such stress. Such resistance. So ridiculous. Lately, meaning the last couple of years.

    There have been long stretches when I have forgotten who I am and rather have focused on who I am not.

    This… has not been a good strategy.

    Still, in the midst of pain and heartache, in the midst of resistance and bad strategies… I’ve been lucky.

    I really really really need to remember that.

    So, today, I am counting my blessings.

    Here they are.

    So Far.

    1. Healthy, happy sons. Who are doing well in their lives and don’t need to call me for everything anymore. OK there is a SLIGHT downside to that – they have wonderful girlfriends now, so I don’t hear from them as often as I did when I worried about them. OK – never mind, I still and will always… worry about them.

    2. Great girlfriends. I live in two parts of the state, which means I’m often away from one set or the other of girlfriends. It just seems to fall that where ever I am, that set of girlfriends is out of town. Hum… maybe I should look at this pattern. This had allowed me though to stay at their homes while I was in town working… so I gotta say they are great. Truly.

    3. More money than I’ve had since I got divorced 17 years ago. If money could solve all my problems, I’d be doing OK. Of course, when I was super poor- less than a year ago – I truly did think money would solve all my then problems. Unfortunately or fortunately… depending upon how one chooses to look at it… I didn’t have a CLUE about the problems that were coming down the pike.

    4. Relatively good health. This too, has been a slippery slope. And I refuse to go into it so don’t ask me. For now, I can say… it’s not too bad. The best part – my terrible hand injury is healing. The hand will never be pretty – but it works and it’s attached. Which, is fabulous.

    5. Profitable work that keeps me engaged and incredibly busy. Yep. I got super lucky there. And, in the style of my life, it arrived in the nick (we’re talking blood almost running, living in my car nick) of time. I asked for it – out loud and shaking my fist in the car: “give me work. Give me more work than you think I can handle, because I can handle it. I can do anything. I can.” Yeah… well... I forgot to mention that I’d also like a personal life, some social interaction, time for exercise and maybe a boyfriend. Be careful what you wish for… or more to the point – be clear about what you want.

    6. My mother is alive and healthy. She lives far away and it’s hard not to be able to truly be there for her. But… see #5… I can help her in ways I couldn’t just a year ago. It’s incredible how things can turn on a dime.

    7. Speaking of boyfriends… it’s so weird how life can give you what you want, just not always in the way or timing that you thought. So, yeah, his illness, this terminal cancer, has brought me and Larry back together – for… what? The umpteenth time? - but this time it’s better. It’s good. Solid. Which is out of body strange. We are really present. Really together and communicating and caring. I’ve learned so much – we are experiencing the type of relationship I always wanted with him – and it’s not a fight to try to get there, the way it had been. Which actually means we never got there. We have grown into something greater than I ever thought we had the capacity to grow into. I have to pinch myself sometimes. And then… one or the other of us will go off our rocker for a minute – but the cool thing? The cool thing is it doesn’t mean the end. It means an opening – of ourselves to each other, of a conversation that looks at our deepest vulnerabilities, it means accepting that we want to be together and together we are: bare, shields down, facing the wind.
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