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  • 1998

    For Jasper, if I were to do it over again, I would have stayed, I would not have left that morning on that train to Paris. When you tried to hold me, I would have succumbed, remaining in bed, I would have awakened slowly, eat breakfast on the balcony, we would have walked later that afternoon around the Coliseum, shared a gelato on the Spanish steps, and perhaps wandered into some baroque church, where we would ask the Virgin for a blessing. But instead, I chose to leave that day, even though, there was nothing, no one, waiting for me in Paris, no reason, except somehow, I always know how to thwart myself, how to cut my pleasures into little strips of pain.


    For Hinrich, if I were to do it again, I would have asked you to stay, I would have held you tightly as you begin to pack, I would have told you that I had rented a car, and that we would drive to black sand beach, across the Golden Gate Bridge, on that one lane road that seems to see-saw into the ocean, I would have scrambled eggs for breakfast, and watched as you dial Lufthansa to cancel your flight back to Berlin, I would have confessed to you the jejune joy that I feel for you, the giddy, wobbly knees feelings, feelings I thought had vanished with youth, feelings I had not experienced for a long time now, really, not since Jasper, not since Rome.
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