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  • If I don't word vomit this, I will rip in half. I cannot move forward with this trailing behind me. And even though I know the right people will never see this, I need to let it out.

    This has never been just pixels on a screen.

    I'm hurt. Hurt and confused. I don't know where things went so wrong.

    I remember when I met you. It was almost like I was star struck. I was so excited. I talked about you all the time. I thought you were... we were going to be friends. I was hopeful. Naive and hopeful.

    I remember when I logged-in and saw your game mail. "I get bored at work. Text me." I was so excited I started crying. I texted him freaking out. I was hopeful. Naive and hopeful.

    I remember the first time we talked on the phone. I laughed. You laughed. We felt like friends. It was nice. I was hopeful. Naive and hopeful.

    I remember when I went to you crying. So upset and needing to talk. You were there. It was nice to have someone to lean on. I was hopeful. Naive and hopeful.

    I remember when you opened up. It was just a snip-it. But something is better than nothing. I was there and tried to be helpful. I was hopeful. Naive and hopeful.

    I remember when you pulled back. When your life became tough. The fighting more frequent. I tried to be there, but you pulled away. I gave you space. I understand needing to process on your own. I just reminded you I was here; that I was ready when you were. I was hopeful. Naive and hopeful.

    I remember when things got hard for me. The stress of holding things together in the game started breaking apart things in my own life. You were bogged down. I wasn't going to add to that. You had your own problems; you didn't need mine. So I pulled back. I thought we would each get our own lives together first then we could start over. I was hopeful. Naive and hopeful.

    Things got worse and more rocky. I tried apologizing. I tried to make things better. I vowed to be a better friend. But it fell on deaf ears. Things didn't get better. We grew more distant. I gave up being hopeful and grew cynical. I felt betrayed. Stranded. Left behind. Ignored. Annoyed. Every encounter we had felt more cookie-cutter and less genuine. More politician and less neighborly. I boiled over and shut my borders. I felt guilty for things I had no idea that I did.

    And here we are now. I am clinging to the hope that things will get better. But that side is sinking fast. I feel humiliated. Rejected. Tossed aside. Like the asset that was convenient to have around, but not enough to keep. I feel like the bad guy. The one that you pointed the blame on to keep a hold of what you have left. "Oh she's leaving; we'll put this on her." And even if it's not true, that's what it feels like from this side of the monitor.I can't log into the Teamspeak without feeling alienated. I can't look at the website without my heart dropping. I can't look at the hangout without my hands shaking. I can't log into the game without crying.

    I can't handle this anymore. I need it to stop. All of it. I need this over. I need to move on. I need to feel better. I need to stop crying. I need to stop shaking. I need to stop feeling responsible. I need to stop feeling like a friend steal-er. A tyrant. A friend killer. A let down. A bitch. A fuck up. A plague. A scapegoat. An asset.

    And however long down the road you realize this and want to fix things, you know how to find me. But I'm not waiting around anymore.
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