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  • Dear friend,
    I know it's been a while since you've heard from me and there's no way to explain how ok I thought I was. I thought I had found a way to block out enough of the bad stuff to be able to function like a normal human. I was wrong but I didn't know it for a while. And then I did and didn't want to admit it. I am still depressed. I still have depression. It hasn't gone away. It won't ever go away. How am I supposed to be ok with that? Me being the person that tells herself that things get better every day and that if I work hard, things will work for me. A believer in cosmic karma.

    I think I have figured out what makes me the most upset: monotony. I do the same thing every day. Granted, I like having a routine for certain aspects of my life so that I am allowed to plan but when every social aspect of my life is planned, I am just lonely. I am used to being alone, I don't even notice how long I've been alone and then it just hits me. It doesn't feel like a punch or scratch or a burn, it feels like a lack of oxygen. That I am now realizing I'm in a vacuum and start to panic. But I am hesitant to call in a panic attack, it sounds to severe. But how is it that I am exerting no physical effort and I am just out of breath? I am feeling it right now as I type, like there isn't enough room in my throat for air to pass through. I keep swallowing trying to clear the way but it just makes my mouth dry.
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