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  • I'm so used to numb my pain that I can't think of the source of it all. The truth is the source is a complex mixture of all painful experiences. I'm highly sensitive, I was bullied, I was abused, I was raped, I was shamed,... The list is endless. How can it be that others carry on with their lives, but I just can't let go? 'You have to be strong, we all have traumas. Think positive. You're capable of so much more'. These affirmations are like white noise that gets louder and louder and louder until it makes me want to scream, but instead I just lose all hope, my strength weakens, my face drops and my heart is six feet under leaving a whole in my chest. It's bloody, it's painful. It is that emptiness that overwhelms me again. I can't take it any more, but my body keeps going and my mind has even lost the energy to plan how to get to the finish line. Food is my friend. Food is my enemy. Food soothes me and sustains me. At times I hope, it will kill me. Maybe tomorrow I will have a heart attack and all this will end. They say it's lack of courage, but they lack of courage to listen, to feel, to admit that it's tough, it's cruel that there are no words to describe the evil, the pain,... These three dots should absorb all they mean and take it away from me. Oh, sorry! I sound like a victim? I didn't mean to. But I am! If you can't deal with supporting me as one, get out of my sight! Do me a favour and get out of my life! Is this too much for you? Do yourself a favour and carry on with your 'happy and positive' life.
    How people have the nerve to say that I chose to be depressed? Or to say it's because I'm weak! You've not been through half of what I've been through! And anyway, why compare when you should be able to acknowledge that I am ill and I'm therefore suffering? Oh yes, because then you'd have to support me. And we're back to your lack of skills and it making you feel inadequate. We can't have that! I am the one feeling inadequate because of my experiences. I understand. If I could choose to avoid feeling like this, I would, but I can't. In the other hand, you can, in this case, because the pain is mine not yours. But if you were to admit this affirmation to yourself, you'd be admitting that you're not a good sister, brother, man, woman, friend, and the rest. But if you minimise my pain, accuse me of being weak or posing as a victim, lying, you are not the one failing, it is me. I'm vulnerable I even believe you at times. In the end, I don't bring the subject up because of your attitude towards it and me. Now you're happy, because I pretend to be happy.
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