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  • Once upon a time I believed in a forever, but across the years I learn that its difficult for me to take a promise of forever with the same seriousness I had during my naive pre-heartbreak days. All the bruises and scars I've gained once I learned the bitter meaning of what emotions can do to a person have primed me not to bet on forever. But for some reason, not having the insurance of believing in a forever does not make me feel despair. What holds dear to me is not knowing that something will last for eternity, but its the struggle and journey of a relationship whether it is with yourself or another person. Maybe forevers don't exist... but what have you done to prove what you believe in, in that moment, what have you sacrificed for that forever you believed in. Because 5 seconds of meaning can feel like a forever.

    The cold has finally decided to set foot among that freshly summer grass, turning it into a dark shade of green. The windshields on my car have crystalized and the cold have arrived, piercing my soul with the memories of our journey.

    Summer 2012, one of the most memorable summers I've ever had beside a person. As I've described countless times, we were going through this weird limbo stage of figuring out what we wanted to do with our lives, and trying desparately to answer the question of "Who am I."

    We had an entire college with each other, yet our paths have never crossed until the moment after graduation. With empty pockets and a long list of aspirations we desperately held on to more time with each other because we were to afraid to face the truth without each other. Nonetheless we were lost in a summer filled with magic, love and each other. Nothing more. Nothing less.

    As soon as autumn came creeping in, and summer was heartstakenly over, we had to say our good byes and go back to our homes. "We have to leave" this comfort city of our college years and make something of ourselves, and we had to do this without each other, the task seemed daunting, and preparation for the distance between us only made me dread it more. We said our good byes to our dear memories made in that small town of Davis, to each other, and like the passing seasons, we knew one season has closed and we had to move on to the next one. My friends and memories are forever engraved in that small dainty city where brains were developed and mistakes were made. I knew there was nothing left for me there, I had to leave.

    During my 25 years as a person I felt like I faced the most difficult time of my life, hopeless, not knowing where to start, millions of questions and incredible doubt, I didn't know where to go, or how to even start. Applying for 6 jobs a day, none in relation with each other. You worked so hard to some how tie all these different job descriptions back to one sad flimsy diploma. Moving home does make everything seemed so familiar, but very unknown at the same time. All the friends that decided to stay home for college, or go to work promptly after high school seemed to have it all figured out, and you were left trying to connect the dots. You thought you knew it all in college, until you were set free, the opportunities seemed endless but the options felt slim. I knew what I wanted to do with my life, but I was not sure how to get there. The overbearing hopes your parents had bestowed on you...hanging over you like a dark cloud every day wasted that you are not achieving your goals. Time moved slowly, and as the days pass you are reminded of how close failure is. I know in my heart I had to get out of that place, the place of mental exhaustion and really push myself out there.

    Within 2 months we both found a job, and employed on the same exact day, in the same exact area. After feeling like the world was against me, somehow the stars aligned and its as if a path was laid down for me, and I just had to take that first step and live the life I think I wanted. It all seemed chillingly perfect. I always said I never believed in fate, but in that moment I knew we got help somewhere. You had a contracted job, and I found a permanent job, we met every 2 weeks finding a place we could call a 2nd home. Apartment landlords look at us with suspicion and hesitation when we told them we did not have our first pay stub yet. Honestly finding an apartment to go to school is completely different than finding an apartment as young professionals. The deposit was more than we could afford at the time, yet we kept looking, we found a place wedged into a corner of an island called Alameda, and we called it home.

    Within the past year there has been so many changes. I can't say enough how proud I am of you. How I felt in my heart when I was so excited to ask you how your first day of work went just to receive a huge sigh, disappointment in your voice when you answered, "I organized magazines all day." Starting out in one of the most expensive areas in the west was tough to say the least. We were unsure of where the future will bring us, we can only settle for a 6 month lease. It still amazes me how we were able to fit into a college stained twin size bed for those first 6 months. I still remember the nights I drove home from my graveyard shift and just feeling swollen with emotions. My face mirrored the rain drenched windshield, a tear would travel down my cheek as that raindrop traveled down my windshield. To come home seeing you sprawled across that tiny bed with one leg hanging over the mattress grazing our carpet, I knew instantly that it was all worth it.

    I'm not sure if you know this but you have always been my motivation to try harder. So many details of our journey and struggles I've decided not to mention because I know those memories will be impossible to paint out on a blog. How proud I am to know you stuck with your dreams, and within 6 months you went from a contracted job, to a part time job, to a full time job, and eventually promoted. You went from organizing magazines for 8 hours to really accomplishing big things for yourself. In a place where it feels like everyone is smarter and better than you, you have proven yourself to be the person I've always believed in. I know you still have so much doubt within your heart, but to me you are a real life hero. I feel so blessed to be able to witness you achieving your dreams. And I know, no matter what anyone says, I believe in your abilities and I although I can't promise forever in the books but I know that after all we've been through, I can promise success.

    I seldom think about the time in the summer anymore, or reminisce about any of the hardships we've gone through during that time. I feel a sense of exuberance knowing that I am going through struggles and approaching new hardships, and I'm excited to say that I am able to look back at those times and finally feel encouraged. I'm glad I was able to find happiness in a place with no money or material things, that have given me the priceless knowledge that I will not need materials to make my happiness, now that I know happiness is attainable at the lowest of lows, I am unafraid.

    I glad that we are living not a stagnant life but one that is changing constantly for the better. I'm unsure of forever, but I can confidently say that in the moment I come home from a hard day of work, and hold you. The moment you pick up the phone to say hello, when I feel like I've hit a road block I can't take. The moment I squeezed into that tiny bed next to you. In those brief moments, I've felt a forever. And that's good enough for me.
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