Most days, if I turn around to look at the past, I can feel the many miles I have traveled. Those that have passed more than ten years ago now seem to be farther away. They've become out of focus and blurred. The pain of the loss of their presence in my day to day life has been forgotten and wounds have healed.
But on occasion (like last night), when a cold autumn breeze runs through me, I allow myself to be transported back a decade in the past. I am never truly far from home.
It is of course ridiculous to play Christmas music this early in the year, but I found myself with the desperate need to listen to Bing Crosby sing "Silent Night". I hopped in to my car to escape the chilling autumn air and turned on the song. By the end of Bing's first line I am crying like the very lost and heart-broken teenager I was many years ago. I don't spend too much time in this head-space, it isn't good to dwell, but for those brief moments the sting of loss brings me back closer to those I miss so dearly. My heart aches for the years their bodies had left to give. Their spirits had other places to be I suppose...
It is a strange place to be, mourning as if for the first time, but in those moments I know I have not forgotten them. They are still close by even after all these years and miles.