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  • Today I realized that the hole can't be filled.

    There are other holes that can and are being filled in this rich phase of life I am in - by friendship, by community, by intimacy, in the dance...
    But the hole of the impeding loss of my mother, the loss that I already now feel, will never be filled.
    There are many different types of love, I am realizing, but that unconditional, ever-present, there-since-the-day-you-were-born kind of love is a once in a lifetime experience. I will never have another mother, whereas friends and lovers come and go.

    I'm realizing how much I have been yearning to fill that hole, and seeking for it in places where it can't be found. In fact, in some ways, the more social I become, the more friends I meet, the more people I date, the lonelier I feel, for in the busyness I get lost and the search becomes exhausting.

    At the same time it makes me wonder, what are other people's holes? And what are they trying to fill? What would a relationship look like based on not needing anything from another person?

    What does a relationship look like between two fully awake people? Not based on scarcity or lack but a sense of wholeness, of having everything one needs for happiness already, before a relationship begins?

    I am the only one responsible for filling the holes in my heart. And if I can't fill them, then at least I can feel into them.

    Feeling into loneliness...

    When I touch the thing I have been avoiding what happens? Often, there are tears hiding behind the busyness of my days. Often, the experience of simply being a human being on this planet is lonely.
    But by touching it, by feeling it we ARE filling it.
    Perhaps the greatest loneliness is the loneliness of self-abandonment; of realizing that you yourself have abandoned you!

    The good news is that by simply being with yourself you are healing, you are becoming whole again.

    So, perhaps I will retract my statement that the hole will never be filled. It will never be filled in the same way again, that relationship can and will only exist always between my mother and I. But I am learning how to sit with myself, and I am realizing that this is what I have been yearning for my whole life. I am realizing that I have everything I need to do that, right here, right now, and that perhaps my journey will be a little less lonely because of it.

    Wholeness is our capacity to sit with what is and not run away from it.

    ...in eternal gratitude to the teachers and teachings...
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