I am an extremely sensitive person. A lot of things people say to me cut deeper than anyone realizes. The times I’m most vulnerable are the moments when I’m presented with the need to be the stereotypical male. To show more strength than I have. To be more emotionally resilient than I ever can be. I know I won’t be able to. My biggest fear is being or appearing as a disappointment. The only thing that hurts me more than failure is someone using those failures against and putting me down because of them. I’m not as strong as most guys. I’m not the tough “manly man” that doesn't cry. I cry a lot. But I’m afraid to do so because I know I look weak around the people who will target those weaknesses.
And that crushes my soul. Leaves me lower than I ever thought was possible. Every night, I lay in my bed, pleading with my insomnia to let me sleep. But I’m instead met with the overwhelming stream of thoughts, regrets from my past, every stupid decision I've ever made. After hours of reliving every moment of my life I wish I could forget, I eventually cry myself to sleep in the early hours of the morning. Then the cycle starts anew. No one knows. No one can ever know. So I put on a smile. Greet my friends with a joke and avoiding direct eye contact. Because if anyone looked close enough enough, they'd see the sorrow and the pain. But my sarcasm communicates the exact opposite message. And the facade works. Every time.