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  • Looking through old things, I find myself wondering where all of the time lost went. I never thought that I spent so much time on things that did not really matter. When I was doing these things they seemed to be very important to me, these things seemed like they would change something and make a difference somewhere. They did not. I am still the same as I have ever been, the same as I will always be.

    I like to listen to music and imagine that I am somewhere else. Sometimes I will close my eyes while listening to a song and imagine that I am somewhere I am not, doing something I want to be doing. When I open my eyes I never find myself to be in accord with where I am. I always seem to be surprised at where I end up. The truth is that I am never really here. I know that I am actually here and that my body is here and I seem to be here, but can a person really be considered to be here if their mind is always somewhere else?

    I do not listen to anything that people say, I do not do anything people tell me to do. I am gone and it does not seem like I am ever coming back. I remember the night that everything changed. My world was flipped and I could feel a shift in my center of gravity. My eyes begin to weep at the thought of ever returning my mind to be where I actually am. I cannot face the present for it is too bleak, cannot yet face the past for it is too dark, and cannot still face the future for it is too stark. I am therefore stuck in a world all to myself. Not in the present, nor the past, nor the future.

    How then do I know when things are going well? How might I be able to tell if I am prospering in reality or if it is all just a discombobulated dream? I may never know. These things have a way of working themselves out and I am sure that this is one of those situations. I have never before looked into the eyes of someone whom I thought I loved and asked them for their opinion of me. I have never been criticized by any of them because I am too scared. My life is not what I expected it would be.

    Yet here I am, writing this page and moving along quickly though my life. And here I think I will stay.

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