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The Places That Scare Me by Kiki Suarez
 

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  • It seems that I am touching the Inframundo - The Underworld - these days.

    Once I sat with a woman, whose son - in - law had slit the throat of her daughter in a fit of jealousy. He went to prison and the couple´s 5 - year - old son was taken to the woman´s care.

    I listened to a woman, whose son - also in a fit of uncontrollable fury - killed his wife and afterwards himself and left his only daughter, the woman´s granddaughter, with her, besides all the guilt, shame and inner troubles his horrific act would cause her.

    I am aware that my daughter - in - law, who hung herself 2 weeks ago Schizophrenia could have caused a major family tragedy like these ones at any moment. For years I carried catastrophic fantasies inside my brains and tried to control them day by day.

    She chose just her own catastrophe. If Rose Mary is right with her experience of the SOUP OF LOVE while she was clinically dead Cosmic Soup then Ulaí is swimming right there and there is no catastrophe to mourn.

    Two days ago I ate with a therapist - friend from Guadalajara. In Guadalajara is the Gestalt Therapy Insititute, where I received my Master´s Degree. The director and owner of that Therapy School is a man, I will call him Juan, in his early seventies. He is what I would call a gifted therapist and a loving man. His son was just caught in one of the most horrific crimes I can imagine: he planned in detail how to torture and slowly kill his ex - wife, then paid a killer to do the terrible work while he was watching.......

    I am breathless imagining the deed, I do not want to imagine, but my brain cells once and again go there. The criminal´s father, Juan, has worked all his life long to bring people, therapists, students, to love themselves and humanity better. He must be shattered. I can barely imagine how broken his soul must be.

    This utter darkness of the heart, not a crime committed in the heat of anger and hate, but studied and planned coldly during a long time... I cannot fathom that the human heart can commit such atrocities. It shatters me. I keep standing in the storms of life naked - completely bare - boned and utterly helpless.

    I am just grateful that Ulaí kept the catastrophe to herself. Juan must be in so much deeper pain yet than I am.

    It shows you that however far spiritually you might have been evolved or think that you have evolved, your tragedy might just wait around the next corner. We are never safe.

    And even though I believe that a bad man is suffering and that is why he is BAD, how could I love my son if he committed a crime like that? How could I not keep loving him?

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