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I haven't written anything in awhile. Why? Because life has been tricky lately. I can't seem to decide if things are actually going my way for once or if things are just getting worse. I've gotten to that point in my life adults always look back on and laugh about, yet caution little children about. The age in which some of the most fun and worthwhile experiences you'll live through will be achieved. But at the same time, it presents some of the toughest moments in one's life. It's the stage that every teenager dreads and every adult regrets. When you find out who you are.
It's a process filled with more mistakes than you'd ever have made in your life leading up to this point. One where you will be tested to every breaking point you have. Where morals are called into question, beliefs are twisted and truths become blurred. It's no question that this is where I find myself now. I've been sixteen for only a few short months, and I'm only a sophomore in High School. Already, I've seen my fair share to agree that I am living a worse hell than I could've imagined. But yet, it's beautiful. I've learned so much about myself and others - both amazing, life-saving traits and dark qualities I wish had stayed under wraps. From what I've heard my whole life, this isn't a surprise or unusual set of circumstances for someone my age. Yet, I've been through things even my parents have yet to experience and may never do so.
So, what have I learned through all this? Who am I as a person? Well, I'm not going to be some stupid teenager and make the call right now. I obviously haven't seen the end of all of this, and therefore have no clue what the future holds. One thing that I know for sure is what I want to be. I want to be a family man. I want to be a fun dad. I want to be a military man. I want to write. I want to make music if possible. I want to have fun, go to fun places and see fun things. I want to be supportive. I want my kids to look up to me and love me.
But what have I seen of myself now? Well, within the recent months, my struggles with depression, stress and anxiety have increased. As well as my exposure to it through my friends. So many people I love and hold dear go through so many hardships - many far worse than my own. It breaks me and them. But I've discovered a level headiness in myself I never knew existed. A calming feeling of understanding and caring that has allowed me to help - even save their lives on more occasions than one. I want to help people. It brings me more happiness than I imagined possible.
But I've also experienced weaknesses and have been exposed to my flaws. I'm very passionate and headstrong at times when I shouldn't be. I can be overbearing and aggressive. I have a problem with authority and letting people put me down. I'm impatient and a bit selfish.
Who am I? I don't know just yet. But I do know that my name is Gavin Wilson. I'm 16 years old. I love Star Wars, Punk Rock, 80's culture, am a huge smart ass and I love being there for my friends. I am me and I will do whatever is in my powers to stay that way. I want to love who I want to love how I want to love them. I want to be for whoever I want whenever I'm needed. I want to do what I want with who I want. It's not all gonna happen, but I wanna be able to handle it when it doesn't.